Dawn of the Third Day

*Masashi sourit alors que Ryoku réagissait et venait se blottir contre lui davantage, voulant lui montrer encore plus tout son amour. Bien qu'il était doué de belles paroles, Masashi ne mentait pas. Il n'exagérait même pas la vérité sur ce sujet. Il apprécia se faire ainsi démontrer l'amour et l'appréciation de Ryoku, répondant en souriant de plus belle et ne cachant pas plus que son amoureux comment tout ceci le rendait heureux. Il se sentait sur un petit nuage.*

Hehe ^^'' I can't recall exactly what was going on in my mind but... I clearly remember that there was, again, this strange aura around you. Like you were sparkling. Shuichi was sparkling too. But beyond that... that sparkling feeling made me feel very entranced by you from the start. I wanted to get closer to you, I wanted to get a special bond with you. I knew it would be worth it, I could totally feel it. So .. I acted drastically and forced you completely into my plan. For my theater crew, for Gravitation, for Shuichi in particular.

I wanted to get the feeling right, that's true. Like I had done in order to win my trophy, back then, when I was with Tara. But... things turned out quite differently with you. From the start, there really was that "something" that was totally different about you. I couldn't explain it, I didn't even want to. I just wanted to go with it and see where it would take me. It took me here... it took me to many beautiful places and feelings. I don't regret anything, and I dont think I could be happier right now. I mean, in my romantic life that is.

* S'ils se rencontraient deux années plus tard, les choses auraient probablement été fort différentes. Peut-être auraient-ils seulement été un one night stand, peut-être auraient-il connecté aussi fort, rien ne pouvait le dire, mais il était certain qu'ils se seraient tout autant attirés. Ryoku émit un petit son, embrassant à nouveau Masashi tout partout ou il le pouvait, débordant d'une très grande joie. Il le serra bien fort contre lui-même, comme s'il constatait qu'il avait en effet eu le grand prix et qu'il savourait lui aussi sa victoire. *

Sparkling... ne? Aaah on that day, outside, I was extremely happy. Not much because of the picnic, but I was happy showing to my sisters the University I'd be attending. This was a dream I had long forgotten.. and now on a whim, I was awarded with a prestigious place and scholarship to be among you . I was so happy I cried and screamed. I was on a high day after aday, after receiving my letter. That's when you saw me again. So in a sense, haha maybe yeah, I was sparkling ^_^

To think all of this was because of you... had you not placed me back upon the track, I would've never ended up happy like this.. and would have never had the chance to attract you somehow.

* Alors que Ryoku ne pouvait être plus content, il se rappela ce moment avec grand bonheur. Il pensa aussi au texte qu'il avait promis de remettre à Masashi, sur ce temps, avant et après l'avoir rencontré. *

*Peut-êter justement dans l'optique qu'un jour bientôt, les deux s'échangeraient ce type de textes, Masashi était particulièrement enclin d'en parler et de se remémorer tous les sentiments associés aux souvenirs de leurs débuts. Il sourit contre Ryoku, lui volant un baiser parmi tous ceux que celui-ci déposait sur son corps. Masashi croisa une jambe parmi celles de son amoureux et soupira de bonheur en fermant les yeux.*

^^ I think Destiny had something in store for us, ne? Me being on the committee to award your scholarship, meeting you and Setsuna "exploring" the university, seeing you on a picnic that day... the theater, the singing, the play, the challenges... it was meant to be.

Haha... now that I think about it... "Sparkle Squad", "Destiny's Kiss" ... hehe even "Attract-ions" and "Myst-Eeries", and yeah, even "Liaisons Dangereuses" they all could have been fitting names for us, in a way. But nothing could describe us, and not just us two but us five, like "The DreamCatchers" because then, we will catch all of those dreams, and turn them all into reality. That, is exactly who we are.

My precious... give me one kiss so I shall become your prince again ^~ 

*Masashi tendit les lèvres et chercha le visage de son amoureux, l'attirant de ses mains pour partager avec lui un baiser rempli d'amour. Tout comme Ryoku, il voulait rester ainsi lover. Mais ce temps de non-baiser était trop long a son gout alors il avait dû le demander. Tout son être souriait et ses bras tenaient Ryoku avec tendresse et possessivité, ressentant cette dose de bonheur inattendue et inexplicable.*

Aaah such a relief too!! I can't wait to tell Nishiko that we dont have anything to worry about anymore!

You're always my prince !! Oh Masa ~

* Avec l'Élan rempli d'Émotions de Masashi, Ryoku ne put résister et se donna complètement dans ce baiser, émettant un pur son de bonheur. Quand Masashi l'embrassait ainsi, toutes les émotions de la derniere année refaisaient surface, et chaque baiser passionné lui revenait en tête, et entre autres les tous premiers. Il reprit son souffle seulement un court moment pour adresser un regard et un sourire débordant d'amour à son amoureux, et ensuite retourner prendre ses lèvres d'assault et le serrer tendrement contre lui. *

We've completed a full year of being together, of having kissed and made love and yet there are still so many things to learn about one another. I wish I could know everything, and yet I want to learn them one by one. I still can't believe you felt me special on that very first day. You made me special. You.

* à bout de souffle et plus heureux que jamais, Ryoku sépara ses lèvres de celles de Masashi de quelques centimètres à peine. *

...Masa.. do you.. can I give you my text this morning...?

Right now? Of course!! ... even if we'll probably be late for preparations and all.. I really couldn't care less. I mean, you ARE what I care most about. Yes, yes I want it.

Yes, I really want it, Ryo ^^ ! But I .. I didn't have time to do the same, you know ^^' So I hope you'll patient for mine^^ I'm... I'm really excited at the thought of reading yours actually. Please, will you let me ?

*Masashi aimait cette proximité, cette intimité entre eux. Il aimait cette ambiance romancée et sensuelle. Respirant pleinement l'odeur de son amoureux, il posa des yeux charmés sur Ryoku ainsi que ses lèvres contre sa joue pour lui donner son acceptation en termes physique aussi.*

Do you actually have it with you, Here? =^-^=

Why do I feel shy? aaah it's kinda exciting no? It's like getting inside your heart, inside your head. Knowing all the secrets, how you felt, how you reacted, what you wanted and how you waited... aaahh is it lame to be so thrilled? I mean.... isn't it hopelessly romantic? =^-^=

*Caressant le visage de Ryoku d'une main, Masashi prenait quelques teintes plus rosées alors qu'il essayait de ne pas trop anticiper. Il était vraiment trop heureux pour le cacher, mais ne voulait pas montrer toute sa gêne à l'idée de lire ceci et d'entrer encore plus dans l'intimité de Ryoku.*

(( Partie de moi sait que ca devrait être plus tard mais on se rendra jamais ¬¬))

I do actually =^_^= because it's hidden away in my music book.

* Ryoku regarda Masashi rougir et rougit lui-même. Il tendit ses mains pour caresser sa chevelure blonde, lui vola un dernier baiser, puis se redressa sur le lit. Il partit ensuite d'un bond, à demi-nu, vers leurs bagages et ressortit son vieux cahier de musique magané. à l'intérieur, dans la pochette, il ressortit un espèce de papier à lettre vieilli. Il sourit, puis pressa le papier sur son coeur et se retourna vers Masashi, un peu gêné. Encore plus ainsi sans vraiment porter de vêtements! *

Im a bit intimidated... but we are doing Gravi again today.. so I'd like you to have this. Do you want the first part too? The one that explains my arrival at Sakuraba? There are a lot of missing details. Sometimes i'd go and add a part, so it's all messy... but it really comes from the heart and from back then. All these old papers... they were from back not together.

Even if I forgot details... this tells the story from my perspective. From how you became my angel. You reading it... makes my heart pound so fast! Will it deceive you? Will you like it???

I'd love to read it all, honestly ^^' but I ... I don't want to intimidate you either ... ^^'''

Why am I feeling so shy? I mean... I lived those moments with you right? Or well most of them. It'si n the past too, so it's not like it's how you feel right now. Taht would be a bit more awkward right? I'm just... I kinda wished I had mine to give to you too. But then again, I guess it makes lasting even longer. Today is indeed significant for thi.s Gravitation... how we gravitate towards and around one another, ne? ^^'

*Masashi se redressa lui aussi presque d'un bon. Il se tourna sur le ventre et s'Appuya sur ses coudes, dans une position qui lui semblait prêt à lire. Il avait un sourire radiant et encore cette touche de gêne qui ne le quittait pas. Peut-être qu'En lisant, il se sentirait moins timide.*

Don't be intimidated... these moments, we lived them together, ne ? It's from the old you..or well the young you ^^'' Today, to celebrate Gravitation, to celebrate 1 year too, thank you for allowing me to read into you Ryo!!

I can't really explain how happy this makes me feel. You trust me. You trust me even after what I did. Even if I'm an idiot, a selfish and childish idiot. You really know how to make sure I'm head over heels for you ,ne, mister romantic? ^~

* Ryoku le regarda se placer tout prêt et rougit encore plus. Il devint tout excité, et son coeur se mit à se débattre. Quand Masashi avait une idée en tête, il avait tendance à y voir immédiatement, sur le champ, et se mettre tout prêt, tout excité ainsi. Et le voir lui rappela lorsqu'il l'avait amené à leur appartement pour le lui offrir en cadeau. Il se sentit tout ému et accourut au lit, s'y jeta tout près de Masashi, à plat ventre, mais collé sur le côté de lui. Il déposa un petit baiser près de son oreille, puis parut plus timide et déposa la première page seulement devant lui. Il lui adressa un petite sourire taquin. *

Mmm.. I placed everything together of this text the night before we first kissed. I wanted to tell this story, this crazy story at least once. Part one is kinda depressing though so.. hmm please if you're bored, just stop reading okay, then I'll skip to the good parts okay? There's maybe a... dozen pages? Here. Let me give you one at a time. When we'll be at half, we go eat at same time, oki? And any time you're bored, you wanna stop, don't hesitate telling me okay??!!

Aww Masa... the way you're always so interested, so excited, makes me so crazy about you! You've always had such a heart of gold... doing this just to make me happy. I love you so much... oh so much! ^

- Ryoku's Story P.1 -
Je me souviens la première fois que je l'ai vu. J'étais en compagnie de Setsuna, et il se faisait

insistant, sexy, et avait ses mains partout sur moi. Je me sentais innocent, et à la fois rebelle. Je

n'avais rien à perdre, et pourtant, j'hésitais, afin de protéger notre amitié. Dans ce temps là, je

ne voulais plus être gay, ni plus rien. La vie de la dernière année était un échec et une torture,

c'était honteux et humiliant.

It all began that day when I crashed, when I was violent, impatient, irritated.

*Masashi avait certes une tendance à s'investir à fond mais aussi il aimait lire à travers le passé des gens. Était-ce depuis la lecture des jouranxu d'Eiki ou est-ce que ca datait d'avant ca? Après tout, Masashi se rappelait être l'instigateur de cette quête au moment où Ryoku lui remit la première page. Bien qu'il pensait à ce qu'il s'apprêtait à lire, il donna une pensée à Eiki et Deokin et leur envoya un sourire, mentalement. Lire, s'informer, partager... ca avait sauvé la vie d'Eiki, ne? Ca l'avait ramené. Masashi ne pouvait s'en sentir plus heureux et n'en oubliait pas sa mission de retrouver Deokin. Avec toutes ces émotions et un bonheur immense, il commenca a lire. *

...you crashed? I had kinda figured out from what the girls said but... Violent? It's hard to imagine, really. Impatient, irritated, crashing... yes. That I can. But not violent. What did you... ?

You came here right after Yasunari refused you? I mean... mmm ok ok I'll read more before I ask questions ^-^'''

I wonder if you know how much I love to read. I love to read books, I love to read jounarls and notebooks too. I love to read about emotions in particular so... thi is perfect. Mmm I gotta go back in time, me too, and remember all of those days as well. Yes, it will feel even more real. Oh Ryo, what made you into a violent Ryo? What made you leave, exactly? An why did you come here, of all places?

*Battant un peu des pieds avec anticipation, Masashi se sentait vraiment comme une fangirl qui lisait une entrevue exclusive avec son idole.*

* Pendant cette lecture, Ryoku était pluôt gêné. Il avait peur de ce que Masashi croirait de lui, si ccela changerait son image. Mais en même temps, depuis l'arrivée des filles la veille, il en avait appris de plus en plus. C'Était un moment ideal pour remplir les trous. Il se colla à lui, caressant son épaule avec sa joue pensivement. Puis il le tira de sa rêverie. *

^^' No it wasn't because of Yasunari. That would have to be much earlier! I guess I would need to find writings from before... but possibly I burned them at some point ..>_>

* Pendant qu'il voyait ce qui s'en venait, Ryoku se demanda ce que Masashi faisait de son côté à ce moment là. Prévoyait-il s'en venir à Sakuraba justement? Il terminait sa maitrise, non? *

- Ryoku's story
It all began that day when I crashed, when I was violent, impatient, irritated. I wanted to win

everything, yet my goal had become much much higher than providing for my sisters. It wasn't just

them, it was winning to fulfill my dreams, to become a singer star, a japanese male idol everyone

would desire and listen to on their ipods. And I would be on every magazine cover, and play in

movies, in theaters, make worldwide show tours with music and dance and... It was in front of

everyone who knew me ever since I was young, childhood friends, fangirls, Yasunari... in front of

them all, that I crashed my first and only speed-induced intoxication. At first I thought I had

everything under control, but I was wrong. There just wasn't enough money with working on weekends.

And weeknights. I needed to do more. I needed to work some night shifts. Money was just flying off

the windows, and it took me way too long before I noticed it was Heizo consuming it all. At least he

kept an eye on the girls. If only he had been to better good than just providing me in speed, so I

could sleep 2-3h per night and feeling refreshed. I handled the 2 jobs, school, my sisters and my

brother for a few months. At lunchtime i was gambling, to get more money with some bad guys I had

never spoken to before. I didn't really need to eat. Id eat a few bars on my way to work. I was

performant at school, so my teachers didn't really notice. I just couldn't stop. I was thinking

quickly, talking quickly, everything, the time, it just wasn't going at the same speed as everyone

else. I felt so overconfiend, so powerful. Until that famous day, that November 2nd... the day

before, I had gone mad after losing so much money on gamble. I couldn't stand still at job. I had

been working countless days in a row. Hours had piled up. They were offering places on the end of

year show and I had to refuse, even if it meant standing up to Yasunari... even if I had dreamt of

this for so long, because I had to work work work and for what? for what... why me? I walked up to

the stage and looked at everyone practicing. I heard a girl, who used to be good friends with me,

saying how scary I was looking. " As-tu vu comment il a changé? C'était genre le gars le plus sexy de

l'école..." "C'est ce qui arrive quand tu tombes dans la drogue!"

Me? A junkie? like my brother? Was that... was that me? What did I look like? Wait, how long had it

been since I cut my hair? my nails? Did I wash myself? I couldn't remember... I couldn't say.

Everything became so dark. My heart was beating so fast, I had chills, nausea, everything went

spinning, and then, nothing. They said I had a seizure in front of them, in the staircase, but all I can really say was that I woke upin a hospital bed, in a quiet room with machine sounds, and nothing worth putting my attention on. I kept my eyes closed. I kept them closed for so long. Just moving one finger was like moving hundreds of pounds. I had crashed

*Masashi se remit a lire, ignorant presque la réponse verbale de Ryoku tellement il était impatient de lire. Il aimait cette découverte, il aimait cette maniere de faire. C'était le plus purement possible le passé, mais lu en rétrospective. C'était une immersion dans une portion de Ryoku qu'il ne connaissait pas et qi'il ne connaitrait jamais. Lire comment celui-ci avait sombré dans la drogue, suite aux responsabilités familiales et aux besoin d'argent était une révélation, et en même temps, Ryo lui avait souvent dit qu'il en avait déja pris. Seulement, Masashi ne pouvait s'enlever de la tête que la drogue, ce n'était pas pour des gesn comme lui. Il était trop doux, beau, romantique et naif. Mais il n'en restait pas moi qu'il avait craqué. Au moins lui, il en avait pris pour les bonnes raisons.*

... I know you're older now but... don'T you still want to be a star? Let's make you on covers of magazines, ne? I still want this too... fir you. ... Of course you'd go and fall into high drugs with such a struggling life! Aah Ryo... is this the reason why you hate hospitals so much? It would make sense.... what happened to you afterwards? Sexy boy got ugly and hospitalized due to drugs. I gotta say, it would motivate me to change and stop doing it, if I became ugly, or well, less pretty. Refusing the stage, because you didn't want to be up against him? No, because you needed more money and stupid Heizo was spending it. Ugh. I'll need to hit him once at least >.>

* Voir Masashi lire cette partie était quand même importante pour Ryoku. Souvent Masashi luia vait posé des questions sur le band, sur la dissolution, sur son coming out. Il n'Avait pas eu le temps de fare quoique ce soit dans cet état. Mais aussi il y avait la drogue. Masashi l'avait souvent associée à lui-même, et à oh combien Ryoku était un bon garcon de ne pas en prendre. Mais Ryoku en avait prit pour bien fonctionner, et avait aussi vu son frère y sombrer. Toutefois, Ryoku n'avait pris que des speed, car pour lui c'était un équivalent de pilule d'énergie, jusqu'<a ce que sa consommation soit rendue si excessive dans une journée pour braver sa fatigue qu'il en arrive là ou il en était arrivé. C'Était donc spécial pour lui, quand il se faisait dire qu'il ne connaissait pas le monde de la drogue. Ce n'était pas parce qu'il ne l'avait ajamis prise pour le plaisir qu'il n'en comprenait pas l'impact. *

- Ryoku's story end of Page 1 -
Of course I panicked. My sisters! My brother! I screamed. I tried to run away, telling them I had to take care of them. I cried. I think I cried and trembled all of my body's tears. And then, one doctor, he came up to me. He took my hand. He questionned me. He was young, sweet and handsome. He looked patient. He listened to my story, if it made sense at that point. He told me to get rest. He told me that I should've asked for help. But who? Everything would be okay, he said. Everything would be fine. A social worker came to me later, told me my sisters had been brought to my aunt in Osaka. And tht my brother had been brought to a desintox place nearby them. They told me I was too sick to join them for now. I believed them. I closed my eyes. I slept. Finally. There were people... taking care of me. Strangers, maybe. It struck me, that even though I have siblings, friends, I felt so alone in the universe. Maybe I took over my shoulders to take care of everyone in order not to feel the loss of my parents. I admit, I didn't really know anymore what it meant to take care of myself only. Of being taken care of. In fact... did I even remember who i really was ? The responsability, the things I had to do... bit by bit had eaten my true self. My goals, my dreams, my personnality. Everything became just for survival. Who was I, really?

I spent the whole season in there, gaining back strenght and the weight i had severely lost. I think something was broken inside me though. I felt as though I didn't know who I was anymore, with everyone in that shelter telling me things to get me back on track. They asked me about my future, my career, my dream job... it was crazy to talk about becoming a star. Even crazier to talk about gay love. I adopted their standpoint and settled myself for something much more adapted. I would finish my studies and apply in administration at university, since i had salesman experience, it would go smoothly. I could enter a government program for a certificate and find ways to pay parttime... Then I would try to go for founding a family in which I could take care of my sisters with someone else. A woman, most likely. Couldn't be Nishi-chan, but Yes it all made sense. This, was the good thing to do. In any case, it wasn't like my gay fantasies about Yasunari made anysense. He had not only rejected me, but he was also the dirty kind, sleeping with everyone, never setting up with anyone. There was no way he would go for me, even less fall for me. This was a dead end, and so much suffering that I had to leave behind. I needed to live a good, steady life. Something to continue on from my parents I guess. Give my sisters the exemple.

I transferred to Sakuraba in march. It was leaving behind all my dreams, and also all the horrors of the last year. I was abandonning everybody I loved, yet I didn't have to face them after what they had witnessed of me. I had to start a new life, forget all that I had ever been, the good days and the bad days, as it seems, I had succeeded in destroying my reputation. What they had all seen of me, all this darkness... I don't think I could answer to it, ever. I don't think I can face the deception in their eyes again. Now in a turmoil, everything had changed, and I just have to be resilient, forget the good to forget the bad. I may never realise my dreams, but like this I shouldn't ever fall so low again either. If Im meant for extremes, then I should accept the calm in this equilibrium. Even if all this seems unreal... a normal life, a life without the worries, without the hopes. My shoulders, removed of all their burden. My heart, locked in, to never see again the light of the passion burning through. Days looked so empty without having purpose to exhaust yourself for. They say it's not healthy to give yourself fully, and work for a purpose mindlessly like I did, yet why is it, now that the burden's gone, that Im all numb, feeling nothing?

*Masashi sentait les yeux de Ryoku sur lui. Il se disait qu c'était exactement pour ca qu'il avait voulu attendre d'être lui aussi prêt pour que les deux puissent faire une lecture en simultanée. Toutefois, il avait fondu devnat les beaux yeux de Ryoku et certianement ne le regrettait pas. Il lisait avec avidité, similairement a lorsqu'il avait lu les journaux d'Eiki. Il dévorait les mots et se demandait quand il arriverait au moment qu'il connnaissait.*

I remember you told me about knowing drugs and all that, I hadn't know you were treated for it. I hadn'T know how... how you terribly needed someone to look out for you, to take care of you. So it really was... you really needed someone to put you back on track. I think that if I had known, back then, I wouldn't have been so fond and friendly. Perhaps I would've judged you and think of you as a junkie. But when I read your file and saw you... you were smoking hot. What happened in between? March... and September? Heck, March and June? ... I'm even going to say that I'm glad Jiyu got into your life. Setsuna? Not sure he really helped for the mental health, but for sure he played a role in reminding you that you're gay and that it's damn hot to be gay. Ryo... I'm eager to see you back on tracks, this past self. I don't ... wait am I really saying this? I don't like the darkness ... ?

*Entre-ouvrant les lèvres comme s'il voulait parler ou poser une question, Masashi s'Arrêta car il continuait de lire. Il n'arrivait pas à s'arrêter pour questionner, trop épris de sa lecture et ne voulant pas arreter cette atmosoèhere alore qu'il se sentait bien "dedans". *

* Pendant que Masashi réalisait qu'il n'avait pas la noirceur qui avait longtemps entouré Ryoku, peut-être celui-ci reconnaîtrait-il le Ryoku qu'il avait connu comme étant le "Dark Ryo". Celui-ci avait pataugé profondément avant de connaître Masashi. Ce n'était pas son premier trou. Aussi élevé pouvait-il être, aussi fortement pouvait-il tomber. Et ce, secondaire à sa vie riche en émotions fortes. Ryoku se colla sur son amoureux, blottissant sa tête contre son épaule. Masashi pensait-il qu'il aurait du lui en dire plus sur le passé? Il avait toujours tout voulu cacher. Sakuraba avait été une nouvelle vie, et Masashi, le centre de celle-ci. Est-ce que cela changeait qui il était? Pas réellement. C'Était juste une autre perspective sur le même homme. *

-Ryoku's Story page 2-
At Sakuraba, there was a room for me, with other students, and it was close to where my aunt was living with Tama and Maeko. It was a perfect plan. I had regained much physical strenght, found a resonable afterschool job and I had a new haircut. It didn't take much time for me to be accepted among the students of Sakuraba. I guess I had always been quite the social kind. All these new people, it felt so refreshing. Girls were so flattering with their compliments and their kind words for me. I went out a bit with them, here and there, in empty relationships. I went dancing with my room pals, cute ukes that were way too shy to go alone. I tried not to get too attracted to them. I tried to appear shallow. I didn't want to feel the emptiness in my heart, so i just went with the flow. Like a normal cool person would. Eventually, I made friends with whom I got closer. Michiko was a strange kid, with a sad past. I tried cheering him up and he reminded me that I was the kind of person that would try crazy things, and would always go on new projects. I can't believe that I had forgotten how outgoing I used to be. It hurted, to think I shouldn't be this way. When Michiko left to be adopted, I felt a bit accomplished, but also that I shouldn've let myself be distracted from that goal of mine. That goal of the perfect quiet life.

The university applications were approaching, so I became a bit more nervous. I made another friend, one tha was head over heels in love, and completely disconnected of the real world. He was on this winning streak, having been accepted in medicine, oh my god good for him, and In so much love, he would cry of pain and happiness at the same time. He was getting involved in a lot of drama, of which I tried to be there for him. Somewhere deep within me, it struck me that I felt comforted in being able to somehow take care of him, like I did of Michiko. And somewhere in him, he awoke in me my longing for love again. He became for me, what my brother should've been. I could count on him, as he could count on me. He was there, everytime I needed it. He always had an interesting tale to tell, and arms if I felt bad. He would go for crazy plans, just to make me happy. I think we understood each other without words, and found each other at the perfect timing in our lives. He just became an indispensable part of me, and most certainly probably the equilibrium I never had. He was so patient and steady, compared to my frivolous side, yet we shared the exact same valors about life, love and dreams. In the evening, before falling asleep, he wouldn't stop telling me about his love, and how on a cloud he was, that was before his breakdown with her. I kept thinking for myself that setting up for a perfect family with a woman and kids wasn't exaclty that vivid, passionnate love that I had been thinking and wishing for. A love that would overwhelm my insides and my every thought. A love, a partner with whom I would share everything. A lover I would spend my life with, without a second not thinking about him. A lover with whom I could abandon myself to my inner fantasies and go throught millions of passionnate encounters and adventures. Yes, Jiyu got me dreaming about all this. And in my fantasisies... it was always a "him". I felt doomed.

*Alors qu'il poursuivait sa lecture, le non-verbal de Masashi trahissait qu'il reconnaissait certains endroits et certines personnes. Il n'avait pas connu Michiko, mais c'était les débuts de Ryoku a Sakuraba, avant l'Université. Lisant les portions sur le début de l'amitié entre Jiyu et Ryoku, Masashi sentit quand même un petit pincement en pensant aux histoires de Jiyu et Sojih. Il avait souahité a Sojih de trouver le grand amour et le bonheur qu'Elle méritait. C'était bien parti, mais Jiyu avait été épris des folies d'adolescence et avait brisé le coeur de Sojih. Mais dans cette lecutre, il voyait les points forts de Jiyu. Il lisait sur comment il équilibrait Ryoku et il ne put s'empêcher un petit sourire en coin. C'était vrai. Jiyu était le terre à terre à côté du fou Ryoku. Il était le calme et eux, la tempête.*

He really did help to balance you, ne? With his seriousness, down to earth and boring side... he's always been a romantic too, but he's always been way too boring for someone as hot blooded as you.

But I'm really glad he was around. When I came into your life, you were already much better than the broken man you once were. You had gotten a bit more steady. I know he helped, he also helped in making you pursue love, ne? ... I remember hearing about you flirting with girls though, did you really.. I don't recall that well, did you really do anything with them? Mmm maybe ...Li-Ching was it?

Haha, probably yes. For sure we would have never really been together. But his friendship meant the world to be. He was my first true longterm male friend afterall too.

* Ryoku réalisa avec cette phrase qu'il n'Avait pas décrit les ukes qui l'avait flirté dans son texte. PLus encore, il n'avait qu'effleuré la pathétique quête de Li-ching de lui prouver qu'il était sur le bon chemin. Il s'était vraiment concentré sur l'important. Pourtant, ce n'était pas comme si tous ces gens ne l'avait pas flirté. Hajime, Marui, Yikinita. Ils avaient tous tenté leur chance mais Ryoku n'Était pas prêt. Et son attention n'était pas là. *

Ryoku's story P2
Even though I got closer to a woman professor who flirted me big time, I remained very shallow. I

never dared to show her some real interest. She nearly forced me into being interested at women. Poor

Li-ching. The more she showed me how good she was, the more I desired something completly different.

Eventually, we lost track of each other. At sakuraba, I met many gay men. Some of them were shy ukes

that gave me glances of desire, and that amused me. I gave them hints, and had fun flirting them, yet

it was so innocent that it never ended up in more than that. There was however one out and proud guy

at Sakuraba that everybody knew. His name was Setsuna. He surely didn't wait until he introduced

himself to me, and targetted me as possibly gay. How did he know that? Maybe the way I looked at his

shaped body? He wasn't particularly shaped differently from me. Maybe I was a bit taller, and maybe a

bit skinnier too, but that was from the exercise that I did and he didn't. Everytime we had a class

together, Setsuna would come talk to me about guys. I didn't have much space to talk or think since

he would talk most of the time. Yet it made me, slowly, realise that I had been used to this.

Afterall, this was a bit like with Yasunari, running through guys and collecting their bodies like

trophies. This had always been against my values. I had always dreamt of passionnate crazy love

without becoming dirty like that. However, he dragged me around with him. I had to admit, following

him to gay clubs, listening to him, I couldn't help but enjoy the eyes on me, being desired by many

men, and not just shy ukes anymore. True men, true sexy semes, tall, slender body types always

getting me all flushed. Older men, looking at me with hungry eyes. It was a delight. Maybe I could be

like Setsuna. Maybe I could set for a perfect family with this dirty side undercover, have a wife and

family, and at night, eclipse myself to the gay nightlife. And somewhere deep within me, I couldn't

help but think that being "fucked" wasn't exactly what I had dreamt of during all those years. Why,

was it, I remained with silly innocent dreams of that moment being of intense overwhelming passion?

Such a virgin idea. Such a virgin... Setsuna would say.

My friendship with Setsuna started to take a strange turn one day, where we met in the gym. We played

a bit and became all sweaty and for some reason the heat got to our heads. He was just scuh a

predator, and in such control, yet unable to pass aside to get what he wanted. I abandonned my body

momentarily to him and he taught me how to be a good uke and my goodness, what a delicious relief it

was. Deep inside me, I remained guilty, yet excited. Conflicted feeling and thoughts racing through

my heart. I needed more bodily encounters, I desired more touches, yet I didn't feel ready to go with

anyone I wouldn't trust. I trusted Setsuna... and I knew it was all we could ever do together so I

felt secure. Yet I was feeling that somewhere it was a liberation, allowing myself to be gay, and a

mistake, because I shouldn't be this way. My... lifeplan, it just wasn't supposed to include anything

gay in it! and my heartplan, it just wasn't supposed to exclude love for lust... I felt so conlicted,

yet attracted to this darkness. Maybe I was still too fragile, too vulnerable to resist. I couldn't

help myself. I met again with Setsuna after that adventure. Where everything fell apart. Again.

*Plus Masashi lisait et plus il sentait le moment imminent qui arriverait. La réalisation que Ryoku était un charmeur auprès des ukes depuis un certain temps, le fait que Setsuna l'avait spotté depuis le début et attendait le moment opportun pour approfondir leur amitié, ou peut-être le fait qu'il l'amenait sortir et le faisait être la proie d'hommes plus âgés. Masashi lisait en tentant de garder en tête que ceci était le Ryoku du passé, le Ryoku qui n'aviat pas encore rencontré l'amour, lui-même en l'occurence. Il fit un petit sourire.*

Mmmm ...so it wasn't the first time, then, when I saw both of you?

Appreciating being looked at by ukes, but they weren't your style at all, huh? But you did like being a temptation to older men... tss why you. I'm not THAT much older. But well... eerr. I know you love me. I know oyu want me. I know... "him" was only because of what I did to you. ... so I guess... I have to forget it, ne? I wanna continue reading ! That's the part where I come in too, ne? It's interesting how you had survived through hospital and rehab, because you had set yourself this "perfect-man-straight-life" ... and oh the irony of how I told you something like that, no? ... wow... how much of an idiot am I.

Aaaahh... n-no. ^^'

* Ryoku rougit et émit un petit couinement, se cachant contre Masashi, se blottissant sous son bras et l'entourant d'une bras contre son dos. Ils étaient comiques ainsi fesses à l'air, dans le fluff des couvertures, mais ils étaient bien et mignons. Ryoku devint un peu nerveux et se cacha le visage contre Masashi. *

Well... He.. he's the one who taught me the basics I guess... but I've always been better at flirting than daring to go further... because well.. you know.. my ideas of love..

Ryoku's story p.3
It was a warm friday evening and I had finished my classes earlier, so I went to the university

campus to get the application files for the fall semester. The campus was so pretty and much besides

Sakuraba. I kept walking between the different buildings and faculties, with the warm spring wind in

my hair, the setting sun sending me mixed feelings. I felt as though I was going to my doom. Why? Was

I really doing this? Was I setting for this life? A life that was decided by others than me? And then

there was the dark side too. What about all that lust with Setsuna? I was so conflicted that at some

point I felt the emotions rush over me. I placed a hand on my heart and wished for a sign from mom,

from dad, that was confirming me that this was the right thing to do. I wasn't sure but... As my eyes

went down from the sky, I noticed I had been standing right in front of the performing arts faculty

building. I stared at the sign blindly for many seconds. The performing arts. For how long did I

stand there, with the heartbeat racing within my chest? My feet were like cemented on the ground and

only one thing made me flutter once more. Setsuna. Setsuna, why was he there? I saw his unique

silhouette getting inside the building from afar. He didn't see me. Why was he there? He looked

determined. I didn't think. I just followed him. I trembled as I opened the golden doors. It was full

of students, in the halls, getting out after their classes. They looked as though they were too busy

to notice me. Where was Setsuna? I walked to the right, in a long corridor. It was so colorful, with

rooms of all sorts, and showboards with so many announces. There were props everywhere, people

running around with cameras. It was another world. I felt like in a dream. I just looked with the

eyes coming out of my head, until I reached the end of that corridor. I was almost breathing heavily

as my heart was throbbing in my chest, hurting me, almost.

Ooh... I see. It's even more interesting than I had thought then ^-^!!

I... had kinda thought that it was the first time, seeing how you looked so flustered and all. You were liking it, ne? I mean, this interaction, boy on boy, sex.... mmm well yeah of course, who wouldn't? I was pretty curious as to how in the world I could end up falling on Setsuna in MY own University, where I had just gotten the privilege to be a teacher. And why the hell he was having sex with another guy there was beyond me. I gotta say I thought he was following me around to ruin my life as fast as possible. I was supposed to get him out of business territory and to claim how unfit he was. But ... well I got sidetracked. By the boy with whom he was when I saw him. Oh Irony.

*Poursuivant sa lecture, Masashi aimait voir le campus d'une autre perspective. Ryoku avait vraiment cherché à appliquer ailleurs et ca, il le lui avait déja dit. N'était-ce pas hier, justement? Alors qu'il s'appretait a chanter "Angel" et comment Masashi l'avait "sauvé" de ceci? Il eut un petit sourire. Bien sur que Masashi aurait tout fait pour l'empecher de mener une vie plate, qui n'était pas son choix du tout!*

Heh ^^' A golden door? I never reeally realised...it's funny how it feels pretty exciting to think that Setsuna was there when you wre too, and while you were in a trance about choosing what to do with your life. Must have felt like some sort of dream alright!

When I think about it again.. it surely was. That day was a dream, and so were the ones to follow =^^=

* Ryoku rougit davantage, un peu trop distrait par ce que Masashi venait d'apprenre pour répondre adéquatement à cette phrase. Il repensa au fait qu'il n'avait pas trop détaillé sa relation avec Setsuna, et comment il lui avait montré à faire un bon blowjob, et comment ils étaeitn sur le point de recommencer cela quand ils avaient étés dérangés. Il se souvenait de ce moment dans le gym très bien. Oh comment confortable il s'était senti avec lui pour ainsi tout apprendre, pour cette première pratique avec un homme. Dire que Li-ching avait déjà voulu se tenter, mais Ryoku n'Avait pas voulu. Il y repensa avec amusement et se blottit contre son amoureux en grimpant presque sur lui cette fois, nerveux. Après tout l'acteur principal allait entrer le stage. *

- Ryoku's story p3
There was an empty room, so I looked inside. It was a drama class, with rows of chairs, millions of

props, and a small stage with everything to practice. I got in. I got this urge to go on that small

stage, and imagine myself on a huge one. Imagine myself acclaimed by thousands of applauses. Nobody

was there, so I just dropped my bag down the stairs and got on. It was stronger than myself. I just

poured out lines from one of my favorite classic plays and started struting around that stage like a

child. I began singing, like I used to do, taking idol poses, like with all my friends, dancing, like

I was the sexiest new male superstar. I clearly lost my mind for an instant, nothing mattered

anymore, for one instant, I was myself again. How long did I play there? And how long did he watch?

Because it was Setsuna's voice that struck me by surprise and got me out of my little world. He

letted out a giggle and didn't explain to me why he was there, but reality struck me again. I fell to

my knees and repeated I was sorry. It was a mixture of fear and embarassment. The guilt, it came

rushing like bad memories. I told him I was sorry for giving upt o lust, and that our friendhsip was

better than this. He came to me, he said he wasn't mad at me, quite the opposite in fact, as he

didn't hesitate to put his hands all over me again. Was I supposed to resist? Was this our new

friendship? I didn't want to lose him. He was cute, sexy and fun. The only thing that was taking me

away from this life I was about to settle for. I was quite excited when we got disturbed. One voice.

The first time I ever heard it. A laughter. A cynical laughter. The reason why Setsuna had come to

the campus. Trying to learn why "he" was here. And "he" was there for Setsuna. Hikaru Masashi it was,

looking at us as if we were committing a crime. His words were cruel to Setsuna, and I don't remember

them. All I could remember, was how he refered to me, as "one more of Setsuna's gay sluts". Setsuna

tried to reason him, telling him I wasn't like that but it was too late, and it only made that man,

clearly his relative, laugh much more. It was so humiliating. So insulting. Degraded to someone

without purpose, with sex as meaning of life, without hopes and dreams, a vulgar being that thinks of

fucking and nothing else. Someone without a sense of dept, without passion, without vivacity, and

will of living. I wanted to shout to that handsome man that it was untrue, that I wasn't just any

poor gay slut, that I had hopes and dreams and that I believed in love...

Wait... really? I believed in all this and yet what was I doing ? I got up and turned my back to

Setsuna, to that man. I got my things and whispered goodbye and ran outside. A fire had lit up in my

heart. Something had clicked. Or maybe something snapped. I don't know why. I don't know how. But

suddenly I found myself in front of the program director's office. Performing arts application

deadline... today. Stage testing... this weekend. I just filed out all the papers and sent them

sliding under the director's office's door. My writing was all bad, as if my life had been depending

on this. I wasn't finished pushing the papers under his door that the man opened the door and looked

at me on the floor. He crossed his arms and smirked, saying I was pretty much too late, yet

technically not. I begged him to consider me. I said I could make up a portfolio, and bring it to him

at the audition during the weekend. I knew I was late, but I just had to take the chance. This one

slight chance. Maybe he pitied me. He sighed and laughed. He said "okay, we'll see about that." And

then he asked "Why do you want to apply to the performing arts program". I couldn't say that It was

to prove I wasn't any gay slut... but the words came out with so much strenght in them that I scared

myself. My heart raced a million miles during that instant. "This is where I belong."

*Masashi savait ce qu'il s'apprêtait a lire. Il ne savait pas exactement le setting, et il y prit particulièrement goût. Ryoku était adorablement mignon d'avoir ainsi monté sur scène, récitant et chantant, dansant. Masashi se l'imaginait aisément et il sourit grandement. Un peu comme ce matin sur le toit, non? Il le voyait très bien. Il comprenait que Setsuna n'avait pas résisté un instant à cette magnifique tentation. Il se rappelait être entré sur cette scène.*

It's a shame I hadn't come a bit sooner... to see you strut your stuff ^~ You really did apply just out of the blue, to prove me wrong? It's... funny it's really funny no? ^^ The stars must have aligned or smething for it to be "on time" exactly like this.

Of course this is where you belong. You belong higher, on top of everything. The second I realised it, I wanted you in my crew. Not just that...but mostly that firey passion. A lot of students, a lot of talents too, but passion? Passion like this? IT's pretty rare. I should've felt or known that you were more musical than theater, but I just... I think I was too blind and selfish, I wanted you to be with me. Oh how I remember reading your files!!

Instinct got the best of you, Instinct and Pride. I gotta say, I,m pretty sure your parents were proud to hear you and see you do this. A passionnate person like you... would never be suited ofr a boring job like administration!

Heeee, I like to think so too... but I ain't so bad as a salesman too so I guess, it might not would have been so bad.

To be honest with you Masa, until yesterday, I was quite devastated at the idea of a future job of mine. I thought I could settle as composer. First singing wouldn't be an option, and there are no "professionnal dancers" needed. As for acting... I lost a lot after our breakup. And during that time, I really thought I should just go back to selling. But just as I go through this with you again, and this morning... I know, I really know... that I must answers before settling. Today's show... today's masquerade results and today's OHU are totally going to help me decide what to do.

You really arrived at the perfect moment my love, you saved me =^^=

Ryoku's story p4
"Ha! Funny, I heard this exact sentence not too long ago from a professor." I wonder what he

meant.... I took a copy of every paper I could find and got out of that place running, with

everything in my hands. I just ran, ran back home. It was a crazy instant, I was trembling. I had

just wasted the opportunity of applying in admistration. I had just rejected that life of no worries

and calm I had finally accepted. It was the climax. How could I switch like this? Whose fault was it?

Since when had I become so impulsive? Wait.. I've always been impulsive. Jiyu wasn't there, so I just

spread out all the papers on my bed and threw myself looking at them all with a non-erasable smile on

my lips. Courses curriculum. Descriptions. Requirements. What they wanted. Portfolio. And then I came

across this one flyer "The faculty welcomes the Midori award-winning new young professor Hikaru

Masashi to the faculty. ". It was him! The man talking to Setsuna! They were related indeed finally!

And there was his picture on the bacground of the flyer, posing handsomely like a model next to the

director. There were other people on the photo yet no one could really notice them as he was pretty

much the only thing worth looking at on the picture. He was, like, fulfilling the image with just his

simple presence. So he was a professor? A performing arts professor? ... my chances were null now

that he had already classified me as a gay slut. And so what? I had to prove to him and everybody

that I could do this. That anger fire he had setted up in me got me up in front of the mirror in our

schoolroom. I just placed my hands on the glass and looked at myself. Ryoku, Ryo... who are you? what

are you? Why should we want you in our program? Well because I....

Im a dreamer. I play many music instruments, I write music and know how to. I love to sing and have

taken many classes back when I could. I've been part of a band. I've taken part in every school play

before my downfall. I couldn't miss a chance to be on stage. It was were I was the happiest.

Sometimes... the only place where I was happy. Seiken Ryoku wasn't a wimp, a gay slut or a classic

house-husband. I wasn't made for all of this. I had a silly fire burning inside me, a hope, a dream

of living my passions, and doing what I love, of placing these dreams above all the rest. Above

reputation, lust, expectations of others. And now that I had set a trap for myself, I couldn't back

down, I just needed to go through with that impulse. It was this one chance and I had to grasp it

with my two hands before everything would go to waste. Before my life would go to waste. I don't

think I've slept that night nor that whole weekend. I prepared my portfolio with zealous dedication

and readied every detail. I got myself pretty clothes, pretty hair, listened to my favorite songs,

trained my dancing, trained my voice, trained my fingers on instruments. I needed to be there. I

needed to be part of that faculty...

*Masashi ne réalisait pas trop l'idée que Ryoku n'Avait pas de "carrière" officiellement encore. Il ne réalisait pas comment ce futur était incertain, mais dans le pire des cas, les deux pouvaient travailler dans la business et vivre une vie bien aisée. Toutefois, les deux entretenaient des idées de grandeur face à ceci. Poursuivant sa lecture, Masashi imaginait quand même Ryoku en superstar. Maintenant qu'il connaissait le passé et les filles, c'était encore plus flagrant pour lui et même, les filles faisaient presque parti de son "fame".*

Oh... !!! So you saw me on that flyer, ne? =^-^=

Because you're a dreamer, because this is where you belong, like me. Oh the irony, ne? Did we not say the exact same sentence to Mr. Director? Ah! You are obviously made for the performing arts department, like all of it at once. I don't think anyone could refuse you anything, the second they're next to you. I know how this feels... being completely entranced by you.

Auditions... you acted on impulse, because of me. It's funny since I hadn't, yet, triggered your artistic side. I just pumped you ^^' Still, if it was the shake you needed to get that fire lit up again, I'm more than glad. You've always had such firey eyes, that'S why it's burning hot being next to you ~ You are such a passionnate man Ryo, that's obviously one of the reasons I fell for you... for this fire, for this daring look, for this intensity.

*Masashi vola un baiser à son amoureux avant de poursuivre sa lecture. Il aimait ce qu'il lisait et c'était évident. Il était curieux, emballé, et visiblement heureux. L'idée que ce Ryoku passionné ne s'Efface ou se dissipe lui avait fait si peur, et Masashi voulait tout faire pour que Ryoku soit toujours aussi flamboyant et fier. une vraie star.*

* En embrassant Masashi, et en l'Écoutant lui parler ainsi, Ryoku se sentit perturbé et soudainement plutôt fragile. Il écarquilla les yeux après avoir quitté les lèvres de son amoureux et le dévisagea, ému et touché, et à la fois légèrement confus. Son autre main se mit sur sa poitrine, y réalisant le serrement à l'intérieur. Masashi mentionnait aimer ce côté de lui, n'est-ce pas? Comment il s'adonnait à ses passions, et fonçait droit devant, suivant l'impulsion du moment. Ce qui faisait de lui un wannabe star, bien entendu. Mais n'Était-ce pas cela exactement qui avait été la mire de la soirée SM? C'Était exactement ce côté de lui-même qui avait été anéhanti et qu'il n'avait pas réussi à retrouver jusqu'à la veille... ou en fait, n'avait pas désiré retrouver. Il l'associait avec la perte de Masashi et non pas le gain. Et donc l'idée qu'il l'avait charmé ainsi... rentrait en conflit avec le fait qu'il l'avait perdu comme ca... *

Masa...

* Incapable de dire un seul mot, Ryoku se colla à lui tendrement et le caressa de sa joue. Il réfléchirait à ceci durant la lecture de Masashi. *

- Ryoku's story p4 -
"We are pleased to announce you have been selected in the Performing Arts program.
We were are also delighted to announce you have been selected in our top 5 most promising students of the year! You have been awarded with the "Promising students" scholarship for the fall semester ! We hope that you will continue to rank amongst the top students in semesters to come to renew with that scholarship. Good luck, and we are looking forward to welcome you this fall. "

I was so happy I thought I would die. It had never occured to me before, that without that scholarship, I would've never been able to pay for that particular program... This was no govenement thingy, I had many years up to go, and they were offering them to me! There existed no words to express how blessed I felt! I think I spent the whole summer floating between one dream and another, dancing when no one was looking, singing when alone, and practicing all the time. I felt free and light and crazy. Jiyu and I took a room together and tried to arrange our budget so that my sisters could come visit us sometimes. I was so happy, yet so afraid at the same time. Was it all a mistake? Did I do the right thing? I couldn't help but to think back on that day. What if Setsuna hadn't been there? What if that Hikaru professor hadn't found us? Would any of this have happened? Would I have made the same choice? No. Probably not. And I couldn't help but wonder if I was to see that man again. He was a Midori winning awards winning professor afterall. Yet he was so young! Had he been a promising students too? I wouldn't even start to think about Midori at this point...

... Ryo seems shaken a bit... why? Is it something I said? Perhaps teh memories coming back? All of this, stage, performances, singing...it'S been pretty edgy and problematic since I made this huge mistake in our relationship. It's coming back to normal, ne? Ryo I can't explain everything that went wrong that night, how I panicked, how I acted like a fool, like an idiot, how it should've never been this way. I decided to move past that and change, but the destruction I caused in you... I still haven't been able to erase it, to build it back.

*Lisant la suite, Masashi était a la fois content et embêté. Penser au prix Midori lui rappelait Tara qui lui rappelait aussi Miaka. Il repensait aussi justement a combien il était chanceux d'avoir eu ce prix a son âge et qu'il n'En valait surement déja pu autant maintenant. Il repensa à ce prestigieux et honneur et l'idée de devenir professeur pour répondre aux exigences familiales.*

To think that being a teacher was never my desire. I don't regret it at all, in fact I really love this job. It's fun and perfectly accurate for me. ... I was looking from higher to everyone, but you? You, I felt you had the level to be next to me, to shine with me.

... I think if you had been in the city more, you would've been serious competition to me, if not even an even yougner winner. You had a preference for music, and I guess that's the only reason why you didn't best me. I never meant anyone with as much talent as you, in every performing arts! Everything about you as always been so genuine and true, it was magnificient to see you grow, to get to you and get you into competitions like the Coutndown, last year. I'm still so thrilled to be there with you again! Ryo... thank you for being my partner into all of this, even if it wasn'T your first priority ^^

...how can you love me? I took music away from you by destroying you. Unconscious jealousy. Fear. I didn't want to lose my "teacher" spot either, especially not towards you. So stupid. I... really don't understand how ego and love can work against each other. At least now I'm able to ditch ego aside and make sure I focus on what's really important : love.